Saturday, 1 January 2011

My top 10 hate cinema trips of 2010

Well since everyone who is someone on the internet is doing it.

And I am a no one pretending to be a someone, I might as well just give it a pretentious go.

Hell, I should probably just have smacked the camera up and talked about this, trouble just is I still have trouble with stupid finale cut pro.

However I am using this time to work out what kind of snazzy sour loosing character I am going to play.

And I have decided to take it all the way, be on the edge dude, and just play a character who is angry at the world.

Yeah.. we have seen this character a.. Gazillion times at least.

But have we seen a woman do it successfully? I think not, is it a vague concept to do it in? Sure, but lets just see how it goes.

Anyways, here’s my top ten personally favourite and least favourite cinematic released that I saw in cinema of 2010.

We will start with my top ten least favourite.

10; The wolfman

What a fucking disappointment this was.

As I saw it in progress and knew it was being made, I was very excited about this movie, I am a great fan of the old horror classics of the 30’s and 40’s, even have a collection and of cause own the original “Wolfman” with Lon Chaney jr and all of his corny sequels, it’s so corny and classical that it is just good.

And I loved how in the trailer and the posters they really tried to make it classic and keep the style up. But yet again as I think is a problem with new Disney cartoons, their intentions are good but they are building up the story wrong and not as a fairytale like in the olden days, instead you focus on plot points and plot holes making the script into a mechanic instead of a fairytale character study, it of cause does it makes it’s hard for someone like Spooney to point out potholes, but it also makes the film impersonal, unimaginative, not feeling like a magical tragic story and dull!

And this is why “Van Hellsing” is a very much underrated movie, I know many people for some reason hates it, I don’t see why because in my eyes it does it right, it’s a homage to the olden days and have fun! It’s a fairytale horror, something that is not done at all anymore, and it’s what this should have been.

The thing about werewolfs is that they are tragic and it’s a tragic story, like Jekyll and Hyde, Sweeney Todd, Phantom of the opera or Frankenstein, it’s a story always doomed to end in tragedy.. which is such a shame I fell nothing for the character. Lon Chaney Jr who played the wolfman back in 1942 was a perfect match, because he looked so sad and human. Benicio Del Toro just looks mean to me, and gives me the impression he would make a good. “Villain werewolf.” Only it’s his tragedy who is supposed to weigh the movie, and I can’t fell sorry for him, cause he seems so mean.. not to mention the lady is a fucking idiot and brain dead with personality of my madras. Gezz.

9; Robin Hood.

If you go a bit back in my blog, you will discover I already a good while ago wrote a “Robin hood from then to now” article, describing the various movie and television adaptations of him through times.

Needles to say I know this character and his different incarnations.. and what I can say is.. well thank fully it is not the “Kevin Costner” Robin hood, but that aint saying a lot!

This is not Robin Hood! It’s just Ridley Scott doing what he always do, and I must be honest. I have never been a Ridley Scott fan, I don’t like “Bladerunner” (yeas I know, burn the witch.) and I suppose “Kingdom of Heaven.” Was okay, but I fell no need to see it more than once.

What he can do is making big visual beauties, showcasing cities and huge armies fighting serious battles. And I find that dull! The reason why I think Lord or the rings holds up so good (even though it’s not movies I would put in the DVD slut for a chilled Saturday evening.) It’s because Peter Jackson have a freaking sense of humour.. Ridley Scott have none! It’s dull!

And worst of all, it’s Robin Hood! Robin hood is as a classic swashbuckler you can be! I want a swashbuckler movie! I need a swashbuckler movie! Nobody does Swashbuckler movies! And that is also why I don’t freaking care, I look so much forward to the next Pirates of the Carribbean movie dammit.

And what makes this such a huge disappointment was also all the transitions it went through, originally it was supposed to be some sort of reversed Robin Hood where the Sheriff was the good guy and Robin Hood was the bad guy.. sounded fun un my ears. Then it became something like the Sheriff pretending to be Robin hood so he can help the people without the Prince knowing.

Fukcing great! Sounds like the Scarlet Pimpernel, I so want to see that movie! Sounds so much like fun and just the kind of duel superhero identity I have been searching for!

And then Ridley Scott became a part of it and it was all washed down the drain, nothing of what originally seemed to be fun about this being the least present.. It’s the movie I really badly wanted not happening before my eyes.

8; Alice in Wonderland

what a Yanki Doodle diddle disappointment, as I have just finished talked about Robin Hood this is really saying a lot, but this was my greatest disappointment of the year, I looked so much forward to this and I really thought it was going to be so great.

I love Alice in Wonderland, and I love Tim Burton.. the two of them seemed to be a match made in heaven! I don't really like Disney no more, but with a title like that and a director like that your sure to earn your money so I thought he would have free hands.

Here's a funny fact about Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carol who is the original author was a mathematics professor, and a really oldschool one at that. Then it happened new younger dudes was coming along with new ideas about what mathemats are all about, really things considered standards today as it is really just simplyfying things. Lewis Carol just thought these people were insane! and created the books as a mean to showcase what a world based on their mathematics would look like, meaning making no sense at all.

That's right, Alice in Wonderland are books written to make no sense at all created for the nerdiest reasons possible, and this movie just try and inject plot and reason into that.

It's weird because the plot is just that kind of old school fantasy plot I am indeed searching for (all though to nitpick, i would have wanted to to be more intense rather than ellaborate) but it is really placed the wrong place, the only place where things are not supposed to make sense it's suddenly dull, boring and just incredible disappointing.

Yeah of cause it looks nice, but so did "The Wolfman" and "Robin Hood." it's still dull. not to mention that the 3-D effects was stupid and so obviously smacked on the last possible moment.

7; The Expendables.

So many people like this movie.. I really really don’t.

I really think it was dull and not at all fun in anyway, if anything it was just giving me a head ache with all does noises which didn’t manage to get my adrenalin pumping and didn’t make me go all. “Duuuuude! That was awesome!” something I think “The A-Team” actually did, which I find a better throw back to the corny 80’s or "Mancheto" for that matter, does movies were fun, this was not.. it advertised itself as being a fun throw back, but bailed out saying. "duude, we need to be serious and stuff." only the characters are so much like expressionless cardboard cut outs I am left to fell nothing and don't know why I should care for these characters, feeling no tension and nothing insane. The explosion are not that good, the grittiness is neither that good.. It has nothing going for it which either "The A-team" or "Mancheto" didn't do better, and they come out pretty close to it.

So I don't care people, this movie is stupid.

6;The Twilight Saga eclipse

Yeah Twiligth the movie everbody most wants me to talk about, because I am a girl and stuff, so I should understand this better and stuff.

And everyone just love trashing Twilight, and because I am a girl, I can trash it without appear sexiest! yeah!

Am I ever going to make vidoes about trashing these movies you might ask? well what do you think, for does who don't know, I am a cheap sell out totally prepaired to make the videos that will ensure people actually watching them.

And dear lord, of these movies are just stupid, ever single one of them. And yeah! the last book,, like the last harry Potter books is going to be split up into two, so we have two extra movies to look forward to! and they have written there will be more sex in does. Well at least the movies are finally throwing the gloves and is admitting what they are. Teenage girl fantasies!

And there is nothing wrong with it, I mean dude when the guys can sit and drool in bad movies over the sluts walking around with a cleavage the seize of grand canyon. Why can't girl have our bad sex fantasies? why do you think there are so many male on male slasher fics and fan arts out there? Females is a group who is not getting treated enough for our basic monkey sexual needs.

And honestly, as the last generation could drawl over Harrison Ford swinging the wip and Sean Connery in a tux, we are induced to fucking Sheila la buff wining about his life filled with mega robots is unfair, why guys both have mega robots and a lightly dressed Megan Fox to spark your night. It's just not fair.

Thing just is, I am not attracted to our two male leads in this movie, nor the other idiots walking around, they aren't even ever making anything cool or giving me any reasons to have wet dreams in the night, least of all is Bella anyone I could ever sympathise with. Everybody else said, I am just repeating what they said. These movies are dump.

5; Tangled

I wrote and entire review of this movie and why I don't like it... go read that.

Well, as I have all ready said. Dumpest dullest Alan Menken Soundtrack I ever had to hear and the songs are just so awkward, it broke my heart to hear Alan Menkens talent being abused like that, clearly there was no communication between him and the team.

Dump plot, Dump jokes, dump action.

The only thing it has going on for it is that the animation and the 3-D is bloody amazing, it's genuinely beautiful and breath taking.

Yet, I am a writer and proud of it, I look for what is happening in the writing. and this writing is dump, which is a shame as the movie could have been much.

4; Clash of the titans

Why are you doing this to me!? D:

I am a classic movie fans, I know the original "Clash of the Titans." I love the work of Ray Harryhausen.

In all of his old movies there is a ring of fairytale and magic to it, they are old and don't age that well, I will have to admit. but I find that to be a part of the charm, and in case, does movies have tons more emotional value than this crap.

The monsters are unimpressive, the fights equal so, there is no emotional value, there seems to be no magic.

People! Intense often give larger emotional response than big battles! It's even a lot more memorable, and it also makes sure the monster will be more impressive when we finally see it dammit. No one is impressed by computer animation any-more.

Jesus, and all of Denmark was ringing about this movie as our only big movie star. "Mads Mikkelsen" was in it playing the villain. "Draco" apparently he left no imression what so ever as no enternet critic or reviewer have managed to as much as mention him or his character.

Gezz I am so proud of my country, they practially peed their pants as he was in "Casion Royal" for about ten seconds time.

Anyway, movie.. I all ready said it. It's stupid, lets move one.

3; Shrek forever after

Why on earth did I even watch this movie?

What possessed me to do it? Why did I do it? I knew it was going to be bad, and yet I still saw it.

The trailer made me kind of laugh I guess, but god.. the only three funny jokes were stuck in the trailer so I already knew them. and for one and a half our I was stuck with an ogre who had a mid life crisis despite his life being perfect, and going to another reality where the fun was relied in alternative character interpretation, which just ended up feeling like abuse towards the characters I genuinly still liked in the previous movies. Plus it was just not funny.. and again. The 3-D was stupid!

3-D in animation can be awesome! I was in "How to train your Dragon." "Toy Story 3" and especially "Tangled." so why was this so fucking stupid?

the best jokes were always where they sort of lovingly parodied Disney, I could trace none of that here. it was just a cold unemotional cash cow. And it was hurting me so bad.

2;The last airbender

The movies that hurts the most, are always the movies abusing something that you love. and even worse is when you have been tricked by the trailers to think this was going to be great.

I love the Tv-Show. "Avatar the last Airbender." I even wrote a blog post about it, it's a brilliant, fun, imaginative, heart warm, with depth, really really good Tv-Show.

The trailers for this movie looked so great, it looked like things directly taken out of the movie, but in life action.. does clips were fucking fake, only created for trailers and was no where to be seen in the movie.

And the movie was stupid, only sheep's would enjoy this.

I mean god, talk about clunky inconsistent story telling that despite the movie just being 70% people telling what is happening, the audience still don't have a clue because it doesn't make any sense!

The highlight should be the bending battles, where characters fight using their own respective elements, that always looked beautiful and was always imaginative and different in the TV-show.. it was so dull in this movie. and the same two movies consistent of "Fireball" and "Water shield." used over and over and over and over... and over.

The characters who were so great in the show, with strong personalties you really cared about was just sucked out of these people, they had no personality and they had no emotions, not to mention the actors were terrible! but that could also be because they only had stupid to work with.

Though I think the biggest crime was.. one of the strength of the TV-show was how fun it was, it was great fun from start to finish with lots of funny jokes sprinkled everywhere. this movie didn't even try being funny, it just wanted to be the biggest seriouse master piece ever.. wha wha ... D:

We are in a world with a "Chosen one." bending battles and it's for children, this shit only ever works if it's fun. Come on! please! Dude!

M, Night, Shamalan have officially lost any kind of respect he ever had as a director, his last couple of movies were bad, but this is the worst one. and because it's based on something I liked, it just hurt me.

sigh.. it's just bad. and though I am not a Christian... dear lord god and savour let there not be any sequels!

1; Cop out

I really really should just have set up a camera.

I could have done the whole act of just starting crying and reach for my bottle of absinthe while shouting. "Fuck!" and "Shit." over and over.. and yeah that is cheap comedy.. if comedy at all. but I am a cheap sell out.

Yeah, this movie is stupid and unpleasant on every single level imaginable, though the fascinating and hilarious bit for me, is not the movie itself. It's what went on behind the scenes.

I like Kevin Smith! I really think he brought something good, unique and new to cinema, and I genuinely think he is a good film maker.

However, this movie is stupid and the most soulless thing he have ever done, and when people started pointing that out. He got really mad about it! he started talking down about critics, really just trashing them and said. "They just don't get the movie." "It's not meant to be taken seriously, it's fun, why can't people get that?"

Well, I get that. Kevin Smith is mostly about fun, half his movies are just harmless fun, but this movie is just not funny, not one single jokes is funny.

And he has gone on so much on a rampage now that he wont give his next movie. "Red state" out to critics before premier, and he wont be giving out interviews as it gets released... that seems pretty dump to me, isn't that just denying yourself the most important form of advertising? And I am actually looking forward to that movie, just saw the trailer the other day. It's looks scary as hell, gritty and uniqe. I am so going to watch.

But jesus Kevin.. Cop out, it has no passion, no soul, no ones seems like they want to be in it. It wants to be fun but just is so far from it, it's an ugly movie that actually hurts. and it is my personal pick of my worst movie experience this year.

Follow up in my next post where we take my top ten best liked movies :D

.. dude, I watch to many movies -_-;


  1. Just saw Alice and Wonderland yesterday. The lead’s acting can only be described as comatose, and the plot is so standard. Hero destined to wield magical sword and slay dragon? Wow, we haven’t heard that one before.

    You saw Shrek 4? You brave soul.